Can You Control It?  

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Title: CAN YOU CONTROL IT?
Author: Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW
Email: mailto:editor@overcoming-depression.com
copyright: by Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW
Web Address: http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com
Word Count: 823
Category: Self-Help

CAN YOU CONTROL IT?

A tremendous amount of stress occurs when you don't understand
and accept your limitations. When you attempt to control
something in life that is not within your sphere of influence
how do you feel and react? What is it like for you to experience
powerlessness?

Can you control another's thoughts, behaviors and attitudes?
Are you able to make it rain or snow? Can you make a family or
friend's cancer go away? It may be easier to consider these
questions from a detached perspective and say to yourself, "No,
I certainly cannot control these areas." However, it's
surprising how much of life folks struggle over which is not
within their control. More often than not, you are not aware
that you're lack of peace has to do with controlling or worrying
about something outside of your grasp.

Independence worldwide is growing stronger, and what a fine
attribute to claim for yourself. Yet, as in many of the ways
people and nations grow, the pendulum often swings too far.
Nowadays it's considered a character flaw if you cannot control
everything. Ever look at a parent and their child in public and
think, "Boy, I sure wish she'd get control of HER child!" How
much control can or should a mother have over a 6 year old
child?

There are many organizations, beliefs and traditions to
draw from when seeking help in this area of your life. A
powerfully wise tradition is the 12 Steps of Alcoholics
Anonymous. To not be an alcoholic makes you fortunate, however, I
hope you've been lucky enough to discover the wisdom of the 12
Steps. And for our discussion, the first step in particular.
Let me list it for you here...

We admitted we were powerless over [alcohol] -- that our lives
had become unmanageable.

I put the word "alcohol" in brackets because you may place
anything in that bracket you'd like to. In fact, my invitation
is for you to test it out with a few of the more nagging things
in your life -- how about depression, anxiety, marital concerns,
parenting issues, clutter, chronic pain...?

Attempting to control a thing in your life that is not yours to
control will effectively make that, and other parts of your
life, unmanageable. If you but ADMIT POWERLESSNESS in a
heartfelt manner, much can be different for you. Here's the
catch though... If you admit powerlessness you may judge yourself
as a failure or someone else may do it for you. It takes
tremendous courage and humility to admit when something is out
of your control.

Admitting powerlessness in a situation does not remove
responsibility. For instance, the alcoholic who admits
powerlessness over alcohol is still responsible for the effects
of his/her disease on everyone around them, as well as for their
recovery today and in the future. This is covered beautifully
in steps 2-12 of the 12 Steps.

There's a second catch though... a good one. There's tremendous
freedom in a genuine admission of powerlessness. It's as though
the heavy chains you've been locked into place with, fall to the
floor. It's like taking your first big breath of fresh air
after nearly suffocating. The weight of a burden is cast away
and a different approach has its beginning.

Figuring out what you have influence over and what you do not
can be a challenge. If you were to take a sheet of paper and
create two columns, one with the heading "Can Influence" and the
other with "Powerless Over," this will assist you in the process
of determining what areas of your life go where. This will make
this process simpler. There will be some areas you'll have to
discern over. They will not conform easily to one side or the
other, and there may be components of a problem which you can
influence and other parts you cannot control.

Let's take an in-law problem, for example. This one would
likely belong in both columns. You may not be able to control
what your in-law does (area for acceptance), but, at the same
time, you can set boundaries as well as decide what kinds of
thoughts and behaviors you will display when this person is
around you.

I'll leave you with another very popular tool to help you with
achieving peace and joy in your life. We know it as The
Serenity Prayer. It was originally spoken in a presentation
given in 1932 by Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr. It was the ending to a
much longer prayer. Here is how we know it today:

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God,

Grant me the SERENITY
To ACCEPT the things I cannot change...
COURAGE to change the things I can...
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Amen

Take the necessary steps today to unburden yourself of just one
area of your life that you are powerless over. You can do it.
You will discover a new freedom by taking this unique action
today.

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Dave Turo-Shields, ACSW, LCSW is an author, university faculty
member, success coach and veteran psychotherapist whose passion
is guiding others to their own success in life. For weekly
doses of the webs HOTTEST success tips, sign up for Dave’s
powerful “Feeling Great!” ezine at
http://www.Overcoming-Depression.com
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