So often we hear people ask the question, "Why does
he/she hey treat me/us so badly?". The honest answer, in
most cases, is "Because you let him, her or they!"

If that seems too simple an answer, think of it this way. You
make a date for lunch with someone new. They arrive twenty
minutes late, citing traffic, office hold ups, the weather,
their car or their kids. Of course, things do happen to
detain even the best intentioned person. You accept the
apology and have a lovely lunch. The next time you have lunch
with this person, they are thirty minutes late. Aha, there
may be a pattern developing. What do you do?

Unless you do not mind this behavior, you then have the
opportunity to teach that person how to treat you. Good
communication skills come into play. You can say something
like, "One of the things I've found works for me is to be
honest with people. I really enjoy your company and would
like to continue meeting for lunch. I know things come up at
the last minute and sometimes traffic can be horrendous. I'd
like us to agree that either of us can leave if the other is
more than fifteen minutes late? Would that be all right with
you?" This clearly communicates what you need and want
without ascribing blame. It builds relationship when you make
clear agreements with people. Would it be all right with you
if an employee came to work consistenly one-half hour late?
No, there is an agreement about the starting time, isn't
there? The same is true of our own time.

One of my favorite quotes comes from John Powell. In his
book, The Secret of Staying in Love, he wrote that "the genius
of good communication is to be totally kind and totally honest
at the same time." I repeat this quote often to remind myself
how to approach teaching people how to treat me. If I do not
tell the truth about what works for me, I cannot expect
another person to honor and respect it. Learning to teach
people how to treat us takes practice.

You may still have folks who have been in your life for a long
time who take advantage of you, treat you poorly, or are
angry, abusive or violent. A habit has been established and
they may like it a lot! Consider telling them the truth about
how their behavior affects you and what changes would make the
relationship feel more respectful and caring for you. Be
both honest and kind. Be prepared to have to repeat this
information consistently over time. It is sometimes
"inconvenient" for these folks to remember that you have now
stated your preferences. They may not want to change.
Holding these boundaries also requires attention on your part.
Once you have asked for the change, you must insist on it or
consider giving up the relationship. Both of these tasks take
positive self-esteem and self-confidence.

Relationships worth having are mutually respectful and
responsive. Think about how you might like to apply these
thoughts in your daily life.

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Keynotes, Seminars & Coaching for entrepreneurs &
professionals who want the motivation & strategies to achieve,
to lead and to live richly.
Creator of the Living Richly™ Program. Host of Living Richly™
on www.wsRadio.ws. Author of OPTIMIZE Your Day! Practical
Wisdom for Optimal Living.
Optimize Life Now! San Diego, CA
www.OptimizeLifeNow.com